lovemakesyouwonder:

dankmemeuniversity:

(via doyoungsglasses)

quotemadness:

I’m not sure which is worse: intense feeling, or the absence of it.

Margaret Atwood

tethered-heartstrings:

tag yourself

(via doyoungsglasses)

[3/n] infatuation

the day of their appointment came. i couldn’t meet with them at the ground floor as i was flying solo in the office. it was a busy day for me. in fact, i had a paper cut that morning and i put a band aid on my left ring finger.

they had arrived. i had asked the other staff to have them seated on the couch and serve them water. i had to breathe in and out and finally met with them. Duong’s handshake was firmer today and his smile a lot bigger. i am smitten, damn it. i can’t live like this.

because americans like small talk, i initiated to speak with their higher ranking official. apparently, this is not the first time he’s been in this city. he had been here 9 years before, so i asked if the city’s been any different. the higher ranking official gave a very disappointing answer, he said that it’s not much improvement. thankfully, i was wearing a mask because i was curing a mild cold on that day. i would have begged to differ because the city has improved so much, especially on infrastructure. he would have seen the disappointment on my face.

i had informed the mayor that the americans had arrived. he said to make them wait and to let them in 5 minutes before their time slot. so i set up a timer and had some work done. when the timer went off, i let them in the conference room and went into the mayor’s office.

some of his colleagues were amazed at the view of the office. it was of a bay. and on one side of the office was the wall of the awards.

when the mayor went out of his private office, i was locked eyes with Duong and heard him say to his colleague that he wasn’t good with ratios.

so the meeting started. it was one of those meetings that were painful to listen to. they were all very awkward. and the higher ranking official was really trying hard to keep the conversation alive. and then it was time for the photo-ops but the american had a gift to give to the mayor. it was some kind of wood thing from guam because he said he was from there. we didn’t have anything for him. i hadn’t prepared anything. i didn’t want to.

so when the meeting finished, we got out of the conference room. i had asked Duong if he received the invite i sent to his email last week and he said yes. they thanked me for arranging the meeting and they left. the hotel was never brought up.

so i had texted him the following day to ask for a few details: are they confirming attendance? if so, how many people will be coming from his team? yes and there will be 6 of them.

he asked when the venue will be, i said that it will be at the cathedral.

three days later, it was yet another early morning. this time at the cathedral. i was late for the mass. in my defense, i am not even catholic. ugh it was so early in the morning. i hate myself.

i saw them seated at the back of the cathedral.

a few hours later, the parade had started. i had asked people aroudn if they’d seen the americans. they were nowhere to be found. i thought maybe they went back to their hotel. a few meters into the parade, there they were. there he was. i almost didn’t recognize him. there he was again with that idiotic smile. so bright i almost saw a future with him. it was awkward at first because i got out of line to let them join the parade. and i also couldn’t just leave them there, can i?? but i am glad that i didn’t.

again, americans like small talk so he started asking questions, just to get to know me better. after all, he’s never read my bio as i have read his. and our interactions have been limited to work related things only. i didn’t want to give off too much information about me. but he kept on asking and i kept on answering, politely too. but again very reserved. because we were walking and talking and i hate walking and talking at the same time. then again, it could have been worse if we didn’t talk at all and walked the entire parade in silence.

i didn’t have a lot of questions about him. not that i wasn’t interested in him, but i didn’t want to pry. i was interested and having read his bio i felt like there wasn’t much to know more about him.

and you see this is where regrets come in. i should have asked him more about his vietnamese heritage. were any of his family members refugees? if so, have they ever been to the city? because i have a core memory of celebrating Tet in the the vietnamese village. i have celebrated vietnamese lunar new years long before i have celebrated chinese new years. i should have asked him about his motivation in joining the military, about why he was an engineer; if he wasn’t in the military, what would he be doing? those kinds of questions just to reciprocate the interest he showed during the parade. i am not saying that he has a crush on me. i am just saying that i should have done better.

that day was a special non-working holiday. but my criminal law professor hasn’t canceled class yet. when the parade was over, i went home and prepared for class. i EVEN WENT TO LAW SCHOOL DAMN IT. the other classes for that day were canceled.

i had no other interaction with the military engineer guy for the next few weeks. but he was sending me project updates through email. sir, i am not interested in your project because your delivery is severely delayed.

and one night i had texted him, i asked how they were doing as the news reports were going off about the heat index. he replied in the most chatGPT way in that the crew were acclimated and that appropriate water intake helps haha

i contacted him a few weeks later just because during the meeting with their higher ranking officer, he mentioned about some project and the mayor didn’t give a satisfactory answer, in my personal opinion at least. so i connected him with the office that was concerned about the project. i didn’t want to bother him anymore just because i knew that he was busy and that they were on the finished stages of their project and soon enough they’ll be leaving soon.

the last message he left was that someone from manila will be coming to the city to check on the other project and i replied, “got it. thanks.” he used viber and it was his US number. that was the last conversation.
miraculously, after 21 days, he sent photo updates this time through viber. they were about 99% finished with their delayed delivery. he was excited about it. at that time, i was stressing about law school. but i wanted to keep the conversation going so i lied about how from that tree planting event i kept forgetting to give to him some souvenir. i had paid for it out of pocket. i even carried that thing around hoping i’d bump into him. i am that hooked. damn it. but i was going to ask one the guys to give it to him during the ribbon cutting event.

so when he read between the lines that i wasn’t going to be at the ribbon cutting, i replied coldly and simply: no.

he left me on read. i realised that i didn’t have to be mean and cold. i had to make it up to him and i knew how. but didn’t have the energy to do so in the same evening. so the next day i confirmed to him that their ribbon cutting was already in the mayor’s calendar. he was happy about the confirmation. it was then that i apologised for replying coldly and that i may have come off as mean. he said that he understands. it was then i asked if he’s been to the vietnamese village, he said a few times and great food. he even thanked me for the recommendation, which is weird because i’ve never recommended that he go there.

i also shared a little piece of information how the village is not the same anymore and how there used to be very festive Tet celebrations there. about how it’s sad that there’s no “boat people” museum here because of bureaucracy. by this i mean that the vietnamese government wrote to the philippine government that they don’t want a “boat people” museum. he said that it’s pretty cool piece of history and that i was lucky to have grown up around some of them, small world AND THIS IS THE PART YET AGAIN WHEN REGRETS ENSUE BECAUSE I CUT HIM OFF BECAUSE I HAD TO STUDY FOR CRIMINAL LAW. i told him that we’ll talk next time, he liked the message.

I DIDN’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO CARRY ON WITH THE CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW I LEARNED FROM THE GRAPEVINE THAT HIS GRANDFATHER WAS ONCE A REFUGEE THAT WAS HOSTED IN THIS CITY.

i then asked him if he can meet up with me on sunday afternoon because i lied yet again that i can’t seem to get one of the guys to give him the souvenir. he declined because he said that they did a site visit on that day. he was a gentleman about it.

the day of the ribbon cutting came. i had a way go to there but i didn’t. i asked the photographer to hand to him the souvenir. when the event was over, i sent to their email address the event photos. he said thanks for the souvenir and for the photos. i sent a photo of the souvenir he gave to the mayor and we haven’t talked ever since.

hence, this series of blog posts i call, infatuation.

BECAUSE I AM LETTING YOU GO by this i mean i am letting go of the feelings that i have for you for mental health and for my heart. it was great to have a crush on you over the past 5 months. you were a gentleman. you look kind and gentle. you were so tall and tan. you have a bright smile. you have so many great things ahead of you.

i don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. maybe in america? maybe here in the philippines. who knows, maybe even in viet nam. is it soon? is it a few years from now when i’m already a lawyer? and you’re some chief or a commodore event.

but i wish you well. i know that you will be successful in the things that you do. and to borrow from the words of some person i found in the internet: be good. be strong. help others.

i don’t know when you’ll leave this city exactly. but as of writing, i know you’re still here. that we’re still dreaming under the same skies. that we will sit down for some coffee and talk about non-work related things. or at least i’m still hoping.

i don’t know if you’ll read about this blog post, i hope that you do and i hope that you don’t.

law school

misinterpretedbookworm:

my mother made me apply to a law school and i hated it.

i had to fill out forms and write two essays and a letter of intent TT_TT although i just bullshitted those things i wrote, they weren’t lies. i don’t even know how i wrote those things i but i did and the school has received it.  

let me get this clear: i hate studying but i like learning. i know how crazy law school can get. there’s a shit ton of reading and the professors (!!). AND THE BAR!!!!

 am i scared? yes maybe because sure i grew up as an achiever, but this i don’t want to achieve at all.  

SO YEAH. haven’t heard from the law school yet apart from the fact that they’ve received it. 

this is what i love about putting my random-est of thoughts in this website: i can actually look back on it.

22 year old dorcas hated the idea of law school. well self, you’re about to finish your first year of law school in a month. so hats off to that. congratulations, you aged pretty damn well.

[2/n] infatuation

i bet he didn’t know what i looked like. but i know what he looks like.

i had washed my body and my face on that day, but i haven’t washed my hair yet because it was so early in the morning and i thought that i’d wash my hair when i take my second shower as i prep properly for the office day that was ahead.

i reached out my hand and he was rather surprised. yep, he had forgotten what i looked like. also! i looked haggard that morning. in my defense, i am not a morning person.

and of course, he was in his uniform. i found them seats. and because i was sleep deprived and mentally unprepared for a 5AM event, i left them at their seats and they watched as the choir sang love songs.

a few minutes later, the mayor and the city councilors started arriving. they were in perfect position as they were the first thing that the mayor saw. for today, i am half way through mission accomplished. my next task is to make sure that i have to get them plant trees and captured in photos at that.

the event venue was about 45 minutes away from our house. and we had to eat breakfast. so i tapped on Duong’s shoulder and had told him that i had to leave because i have a 10am meeting. it’s true, i had a 10am meeting but i also had to eat breakfast and to shower again because i had a full work day ahead.

after that event, i had sent him the event photos and we never spoke again.

two few weeks later, i received an email from him. one of their higher ranking officials was going to visit the city and that they had wanted to meet with the mayor. i had asked if they had a preferred date and time and then i set it up with my boss.

two days after his email, i received an invite from another client for a lunch meeting at some hotel. and i thought, what if i saw him in this hotel randomly. what would i do? would i say hi? will he say hi first?? i don’t know.

the lunch meeting came. i arrived early because i had just commuted my way there. the clients started arriving. we were eating and having a rather productive time.

i looked over my right shoulder, i saw Duong’s assistant. and i figured, if the assistant were here, then he ought to be here! but i am here for work, i also thought. focus on the meeting.

the clients handed me over some documents and i put them in my bag, which is on the floor on my left, i glanced. AND THERE HE WAS. THERE HE FUCKING WAS. HE WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH, TALKING TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE. I SAW HIM AND HE SAW ME. HE KNOWS THAT I SAW HIM AND I KNOW THAT HE SAW ME.

in this restaurant, there are two entrances: the main entrance from the front desk and the other one is from the toilets which is kind of from the back. maybe he went to the toilet and he went inside the restaurant through the back door entrance. and that’s when i knew that it is in that hotel that they’re billeted.

dammit, i thought. i don’t want to say hi. not like this. i can’t have the clients know that these white people in military uniform know me and that i know them.

Duong sat at the head of the table and sighed while looking at the menu. i felt bad for him. this restaurant didn’t have the best food in the city. the food at the vietnamese village is so much better.

the topic of law school was brought up. i had class that evening and i still have time to prepare but i can’t stay in this restaurant even when they have an ILLY coffee sign. i can’t stay here. i don’t want to strike up a conversation with anyone else because again i wasn’t mentally prepared. when the meeting finished, i left the restaurant.

i will see them at the office next week anyway. maybe then we can bring up how we saw each other by mere chance in a restaurant at some hotel.

i went to a cafe, ordered an einspanner, and set up my table to study. i called up a colleague. i asked if the invites for the 4 March event were already out. my colleague said that the office memo that was sent out would suffice. so i sent the foreign military men the invites.

[1/n] infatuation

i am, for one reason or another, drawn towards military men. this time, we’re going abroad baby! well, he’s from abroad i’m a mere local girl.

let me paint the scenario for you. i was carrying on with my life on a wednesday afternoon at the office. and then there he was, dressed in battle dress uniform with thick rimmed glasses. they didn’t have an appointment on that day so i didn’t even bother talking up to them. he didn’t look like a foreigner but he was with white people. the thing is, i’ve never had a pleasant interaction with the philippine military or the police since i became a government employee. but they were there with a senior colleague who walked up to me and told me that they have an appointment. so i went up to my boss and told him that there were foreign military men who said that they have an appointment. i saw his last name on his uniform, Duong. he must be vietnamese, i thought. and i was right.

i didn’t sit down in their meeting with my boss because their appointment was not coursed through me. also, i had so much work to do. after about 20 minutes, it was time for the photo-ops. i took the phone of my colleague to take their photos. he smiled widely. then he took off his glasses. he’s not categorically attractive. but something about him was handsome. was it because he was tall and tan? was it the buzzcut? i don’t know but it was at that moment when i knew i was screwed. damn it. i have a crush.

my boss had asked if the next appointment was there already, and i said yes. so we went outside of the conference room. apparently, my boss had invited them to two events. so i had to take their contact details, which they wrote in and i had to give them my business card.

they didn’t have business cards. i mean why would they, right? they’re from the military. i handed them my starbucks planner instead, and my pilot juice up pen. on a blank page, they wrote their email addresses, no names or designation. this Duong guy even wrote his phone number, without a country code. he had terrible penmanship too. i asked him how to pronounce his last name name, and he said that it’s doo-ong, but in vietnamese it’s young.

they never really introduced themselves properly. so i figured i will just forward their contact details to the event organisers. but of course the organisers need their names and designation to address them properly! so i had sent an email asking for their details and it was only there that they introduced themselves over email.

Duong called me a few days before the first event, which was great because we had only interacted over email. and bro did he sound nervous! he was asking about the program of activities so i gave him confirmation of the activities for the event over the phone call and had replied to a prior email from him because formalities. he had a speaking slot, so i had to ask for his bio and he rightfully sent his. and i must say he is an interesting person.

d-day came. i was waiting by the entrance of the venue. i was hanging out with some cool kids and there he came. he didn’t recognize me, because it was 5am and it was dark outside. sure, there were lights but it’s been two weeks since we physically last saw each other.

i’ll continue writing next time. i’m tired.

quotemadness:

“Learn to be alone, and to like it. There’s nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company.”

— Mandy Hale

quotemadness:

“Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to. It’s not for them.”

— Joubert Botha

quotemadness:

“If you look back only at your mistakes, you’d think you were an idiot. If you look back only at your wiser choices, you’d think you were infallible. But if you look back on everything, you realize you’re a human being who has been through a lot, grown a lot, is always still learning, and improving as time goes by.”

— Doe Zantamata

i don’t want to get married. i really don’t. because i feel like whatever i’ve learned and seen with married life, i don’t want it. i don’t want to be taking care of anyone or anything first thing in the morning and last thing at night before going to bed.

i want quiet mornings. i want quiet drives. i want quiet time in cafes.

but that changed last week. i know this might sound intense. but i may have had a crush on one of our guests from last week. and i had these images in my head that maybe being with someone isn’t so bad.

that maybe there really is a “right person” to embrace whatever and whoever you are. my loud laugh. my dry humour. my wit. my passion for certain things. my wild side when i’ve had a drink or two.

i had a glimpse of that last week and it wasn’t so bad. in fact, i wanted more. i mean no from that person, because he was married with two kids. haha maybe he can help me find the right person or whatever.

ok to be clear, we didn’t have sex. we just went around the city for two days, talked about work, some non-work related things, and had a drink during day time. it was great.

fishing-lesbian-catgirl:

I’m just a little flying insect please please PLEASE let me kill myself in your beverage

(via rainyloneliness)

weltenwellen:

Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

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thefugitivesaint:

Langston Hughes (1902-1967), ‘Tired’, “New Masses”, Vol. 6, #9, Feb. 1931

Source

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